My grandma died in December… She died on the 3rd of December. All I can remember was the shock that I felt when I found out that a day after we had finally taken her home from the nursing home, she had passed. It had taken minutes, my mom explained to me. I stood there in the middle of the Dollar Tree aisle (while my youngest daughter, Lana, was running in the Christmas aisles slamming gift wrap paper rolls against the shelves.) I stood there thinking… how? She was supposed to be better now that she was home… then I thought, she is better now.. she’s resting… but as I began to organize my thoughts and feelings all at the same time, I snapped back to reality and tried to control the little one as people were looking to find her mother.
I don’t know why I’m writing about this now. It has definitely been a very weird last few months for me and, now, the rest of the world.
Days after her death, we tried to cope as we got ourselves together and organized the funeral, greeted people, lay her to rest… then, snap.. we had to get into full Christmas mode for our littles ones and be normal. Christmas came and went, as New Year’s passed, though, we remembered her at each gathering with a toast. Then, the New Year was actually here as everyone was figuring out resolutions. So, there had to be a NEW ME… move on and don’t think about the fact that the last oldest living family member, the head of us, and our oldest root, had passed. We had to be strong and move on. I, then, realized that I hadn’t given myself the time to really grieve over what we, and by we, I mean the whole family, had lost. We had lost the last piece of anything that made us children and young. We, now, had to grow up and become the parents, as our parents became the grandparents. The circle of life…
I coped by crying to myself sometimes when life became too stressful, overbearing, etc. As Lana went through different phases of the flu throughout those weeks, I tried to keep it together for everyone and keep going. Days passed and with each day, things changed, to the better, worse, ups a downs as usual. Then we had a significant being, Kobe Bryant die along with his daughter and a few others in a helicopter crash. People were mourning all over the world for him. I thought about what his wife would be feeling and how it was humanly possible to lose a husband and baby all at the same time. I wasn’t sure if that was sadder than the world losing such a legend. The thought of what she was going through seemed unbearable.
Days passed as I dealt with daily life chores and schedules. As the new year had began, I had told myself that I would slow down and just enjoy life’s moments instead of filling up my schedule with things to do and places to be. I had to do this and still be able to be as productive as I expected myself to be. So as time passed, I postponed unimportant appointments to the dentist, nails, and simple errands so that I could stay home with the kids and just BE with them. I decided to cook ‘with them’ instead of ‘for them’ and leave the laundry unwashed for another day and, if I did do the laundry, I’d do it with them.
I’m not sure why I’m writing about this now… maybe it’s because the world seems like it’s going through something so much bigger than me. There are thousands of grandmothers, husbands, and daughters dying out there and the thought of it makes me uneasy. We are to take this time, as healthy as can be, and stay home with our loved ones and enjoy each other, but it’s definitely an uneasy feeling, and as hard as I try to turn the television off and stay oriented and focused on the kids, their homework, food, and the regular duties we have as mothers, I wish I could be of help to one person out there in some way. So, I guess, though my grandmother was most important to me, now, I am insignificant in this situation. I am one being that can only do her part and help just by staying home and slowing down life’s cycle. This is what I wanted and it is being given to me at the expense of so many others who can’t be with their families at this time. This massive mess and, what seems like an impossible negative force, is helping us get back to what really matters most. It is, somehow, helping us create better lives for ourselves in this big mess of a materialistic, luxury filled, social media shared life. It is helping us get grounded again to remember what is most important in life. This stress, worry, and the difficulty we are going through as mothers, trying to be cooks and teachers, and fathers trying to act as though they have it all under control, but, all the while, more obsessed to listening to the news each moment to figure out what to do next…
All of this shall pass and we will overcome, with gains and losses. My spiritual being tells me this will make us stronger and our Earth will be stronger for it. There came a time when our Earth felt it couldn’t take all that was going on so it might be sending us a signal to slow down and help each other enjoy the little things, not money, travels, and material, but just each other.
Tonight, I pray for the people out there in our nation, from the coast of China to Italy, and near. I pray that everyone is safe at home with their loved ones and healthy. I pray that this time will change us in becoming better human beings for each other as we really spend time making our homes stronger and really getting to know our own family. I pray that we can each understand how lucky we are to be healthy at this time and not waste a minute not loving our husbands and wives and really having nothing to do for a bit. Just do nothing and STAY HOME for a while to save someone’s grandma, someone’s husband, and someone’s child. Spend this time in your life to FIND LOVE…
LOVE and PEACE to all tonight.
“This is life and this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go, but if you stand back up and move forward. If you go just a little farther, you will always find love… I found love in you. And my story will continue after I’m gone because you are my story. You are your father’s story, your uncle’s. My body fails me, but you are me. So go now and give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. Get up and go farther and find us love.” – LIFE ITSELF the movie