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Find Love

My grandma died in December… She died on the 3rd of December. All I can remember was the shock that I felt when I found out that a day after we had finally taken her home from the nursing home, she had passed. It had taken minutes, my mom explained to me. I stood there in the middle of the Dollar Tree aisle (while my youngest daughter, Lana, was running in the Christmas aisles slamming gift wrap paper rolls against the shelves.) I stood there thinking… how? She was supposed to be better now that she was home… then I thought, she is better now.. she’s resting… but as I began to organize my thoughts and feelings all at the same time, I snapped back to reality and tried to control the little one as people were looking to find her mother.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this now. It has definitely been a very weird last few months for me and, now, the rest of the world. 

Days after her death, we tried to cope as we got ourselves together and organized the funeral, greeted people, lay her to rest… then, snap.. we had to get into full Christmas mode for our littles ones and be normal. Christmas came and went, as New Year’s passed, though, we remembered her at each gathering with a toast. Then, the New Year was actually here as everyone was figuring out resolutions. So, there had to be a NEW ME… move on and don’t think about the fact that the last oldest living family member, the head of us, and our oldest root, had passed. We had to be strong and move on. I, then, realized that I hadn’t given myself the time to really grieve over what we, and by we, I mean the whole family, had lost. We had lost the last piece of anything that made us children and young. We, now, had to grow up and become the parents, as our parents became the grandparents. The circle of life…

I coped by crying to myself sometimes when life became too stressful, overbearing, etc. As Lana went through different phases of the flu throughout those weeks, I tried to keep it together for everyone and keep going. Days passed and with each day, things changed, to the better, worse, ups a downs as usual. Then we had a significant being, Kobe Bryant die along with his daughter and a few others in a helicopter crash. People were mourning all over the world for him. I thought about what his wife would be feeling and how it was humanly possible to lose a husband and baby all at the same time. I wasn’t sure if that was sadder than the world losing such a legend. The thought of what she was going through seemed unbearable. 

Days passed as I dealt with daily life chores and schedules. As the new year had began, I had told myself that I would slow down and just enjoy life’s moments instead of filling up my schedule with things to do and places to be. I had to do this and still be able to be as productive as I expected myself to be. So as time passed, I postponed unimportant appointments to the dentist, nails, and simple errands so that I could stay home with the kids and just BE with them. I decided to cook ‘with them’ instead of ‘for them’ and leave the laundry unwashed for another day and, if I did do the laundry, I’d do it with them.

I’m not sure why I’m writing about this now… maybe it’s because the world seems like it’s going through something so much bigger than me. There are thousands of grandmothers, husbands, and daughters dying out there and the thought of it makes me uneasy. We are to take this time, as healthy as can be, and stay home with our loved ones and enjoy each other, but it’s definitely an uneasy feeling, and as hard as I try to turn the television off and stay oriented and focused on the kids, their homework, food, and the regular duties we have as mothers, I wish I could be of help to one person out there in some way. So, I guess, though my grandmother was most important to me, now, I am insignificant in this situation. I am one being that can only do her part and help just by staying home and slowing down life’s cycle. This is what I wanted and it is being given to me at the expense of so many others who can’t be with their families at this time. This massive mess and, what seems like an impossible negative force, is helping us get back to what really matters most. It is, somehow, helping us create better lives for ourselves in this big mess of a materialistic, luxury filled, social media shared life. It is helping us get grounded again to remember what is most important in life. This stress, worry, and the difficulty we are going through as mothers, trying to be cooks and teachers, and fathers trying to act as though they have it all under control, but, all the while, more obsessed to listening to the news each moment to figure out what to do next…

All of this shall pass and we will overcome, with gains and losses. My spiritual being tells me this will make us stronger and our Earth will be stronger for it. There came a time when our Earth felt it couldn’t take all that was going on so it might be sending us a signal to slow down and help each other enjoy the little things, not money, travels, and material, but just each other. 

Tonight, I pray for the people out there in our nation, from the coast of China to Italy, and near. I pray that everyone is safe at home with their loved ones and healthy. I pray that this time will change us in becoming better human beings for each other as we really spend time making our homes stronger and really getting to know our own family. I pray that we can each understand how lucky we are to be healthy at this time and not waste a minute not loving our husbands and wives and really having nothing to do for a bit. Just do nothing and STAY HOME for a while to save someone’s grandma, someone’s husband, and someone’s child. Spend this time in your life to FIND LOVE…

LOVE and PEACE to all tonight.

“This is life and this is what it does. Life brings you to your knees. It brings you lower than you think you can go, but if you stand back up and move forward. If you go just a little farther, you will always find love… I found love in you. And my story will continue after I’m gone because you are my story. You are your father’s story, your uncle’s. My body fails me, but you are me. So go now and give me a beautiful life. The most beautiful life ever. And if life brings us to our knees, you stand us back up. Get up and go farther and find us love.” – LIFE ITSELF the movie

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These Moments in Life

Painted my grandparents on their wedding day. I am hoping to finish it soon so she can see it. She was a beautiful woman with bright ocean blue eyes.

Im not sure how to think about life sometimes.. how grandparents grow old, parents get older, and children just don’t stop growing. Life has me thinking about moments these days. Today, I am here at age 35 just watching the younger grow and the older get older.

A couple of years ago, my grandpa fell and broke his hip. He temporarily ended up in a nursing home for physical therapy. My grandma would sit next to him and not say a word. She would read to herself and just cry every chance she got as she would ask us if he would get better. Well, he didn’t get better. He stopped eating and lost enough weight to keep him from being able to carry himself anymore. We brought him back home and kept him comfortable as he had a caregiver daily. As days passed, my grandma got used to him being in his bed at home until he slowly passed away. One night, all of his children and grandchildren stood beside his bed as the priest said a prayer for him. We all began grieving his loss as he passed two days later. It was hard going back to his home without expecting him to be laying there inside the bedroom. Then, days passed and everyone went back to work and, as usual, life went on…

Life went on for everyone except my grandma. She sat there for days on end not saying a word as she slowly forgot what was happening and who we were. If we tried to make conversation, she would cry. Now, she lies in a nursing home with a broken hip unable to remember anything. She forgot him, his name, his existence. She looks at us as she can sense our love and knows she knows us, but is unable to remember a name, any name. I asked her if she remembers him and she said yes, but she doesn’t remember what happened to him. She opens and closes her eyes as days and nights go by without any changes. Family visits everyday as everyone tries to do anything and everything they can for her. I have lost grandparents before… she’s the only one left from them. I was lucky enough to experience everything good and make memories with all of my grandparents, but losing them each time, feels as bad each time. I guess grandma’s trying to find a way to get back to her love…

I promised her red roses and I try to make the best of her condition today, as do all her grandchildren. I can’t imagine what it’s like for her kids to be holding onto their mom these days. With the busy lives we lead everyday, all they can think about is their mom laying there helpless. Not to be so dramatic about this situation, but growing up sucks! The process of growing older and getting used to this circle of life is what life is about. The ways we touch each other’s lives each day is how we make a difference in our lives. No matter our occupation, status in life, daily schedule, and future plans, life catches up at some point and there comes a times when we will have nothing to do but wait for visitors and try our best to remember our moments that we used to cherish in life.

How we decide to live everyday is up to us and I hope I, and all of you, can make the best of each and every day because it goes by in a quick flash. Enjoy today and every day…

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Motherhood

Well, here it goes… my first blog post after so many years… Parenting has got me in a puzzle these days more than ever. I have two little girls now and they’re both grown past the diaper stages (with the exception of my little one who just recently has been following the “listen to your body” instructions and is super excited to flush the toilet all on her own… (Work in progress… Fingers crossed) These days, my older one dresses herself, feeds herself, has homework responsibilities, and clean-up duties, but as each day passes, this thing called parenting baffles me more and more. Now, there are talks about being kind, being helpful, not lying, outfits and hairdos, schedules and running late (almost always).. It’s  a mess of stuff that just makes me feel like the feeding, burping, and changing was so much easier. I am the mom who disciplines and explains the difference between right and wrong (yes, I try, while, at times, losing my shit!) but, sometimes I wonder if Im doing this right. Sometimes, I wish someone could just reassure me that I did right. I guess, we have to move through this trying our best, and, God knows we all try our best. All in all, you can go through it with or without the right man next to you. The other day, I mentioned to someone, I’d give my husband the ‘Father of the Year Award’ helping me through all those nights of crying, teething, feeding, and now, dropping off at school and lending a hand when needed. I meant every word but my husband can be the best father without realizing what I am going through as a mother. That is due to the fact that men are from Venus and Women are from Mars but that’s a whole different blog post.

With all the endless moments of love and those priceless seconds of kisses and hugs, parenting is definitely one that can bring you down on your knees at some point, and make you feel as light as the clouds in another. Im not sure what the answers are… Im not sure I’ll ever know, but I do know that I’m trying my best to help my kids be at their highest potential as human beings as they can be. I am definite that no matter what any mom, working full time, part time, or stay at home is doing, they’re doing their best. Its all we can do and with that, hopefully, one day, if I keep trying my best, they’ll see how hard I tried and how much my life and love was spent on them, because with them, and all that we go through, every second is worth it. There are so many ways and perspectives that can be explained when it comes to motherhood, but all that matters at the end of the day is knowing how important we are to these little humans and what a big difference we can make in their lives and the future of this place we call home. Mommas, be patient and breathe. Know that we are all going through this thing called ‘motherhood’ together… give yourself a pat on the back and remember to kiss them endlessly while you can. Know that if you never feel appreciated, us mommas know exactly what you’re going through. Just breathe… and take it one day at a time.

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